The Reviewer Has No Clothes

I admit, it's a bit of a sickness. When I absolutely adore a movie or book, I'm occasionally compelled to read its one-star reviews. I tell myself it's curiosity. Why would someone else strongly dislike something I found so moving? It may actually be some twisted form of masochism, as I should know better than to expect to find meaning in most one-star reviews.

When browsing one-star reviews of some of my favorite movies, one theme jumps out at me. I call it the "Emperor Argument". Here's how the argument goes: Take any non-linear, surreal, sexually deviant, or generally non-mainstream movie; completely ignore the movie itself; rant that it was only popular for being "different" or "trendy"; and work in the phrase "the Emperor has no clothes".

The Affectionate Beotch

Some people can pull off any kind of urban slang without a trace of irony or self-deprecating awkwardness. I cannot. You won't hear me saying fer shizzle (or whatever those young'uns are saying these days) and I've never been able to pull off "You go, girl!"

You'll also never hear me call a friend "dawg" or "beotch". --At least not unless it's wrapped in 20 layers of sarcastic mocking and followed with the kind of expression that prompts moms around the world to warn about faces freezing like that.

Avatar: Yep, Pocahontas in Space

Okay, here goes. I saw Avatar the weekend before last, but I've kept my opinions about it largely to myself. (Well, to myself and Peter, but I rarely keep anything from that poor guy.) At first, I was afraid my reaction might be clouded by too-much-hype-syndrome. I thought if I gave it a little time, I might mellow and find more good in the story, but it isn't happening. In fact, the more I think about it, the more annoyed I become. I'm sorry to all you Pandora-loving fans, but I just didn't like this movie.

Here are a few of the reasons why:
(Warning: Spoilers ahead)

The Turn Signal

Car makers are coming up with new options all the time -- built-in mp3 players with voice recognition, camera systems that let a car park itself, in-dash microwave ovens -- but they've managed to keep some room in there for a handy little feature known as the turn signal. Unfortunately, some drivers seem to have forgotten just how helpful this little baby can be, so perhaps it's time for a little Turn Signal 101 (American Edition).

Lesson 1: Where Is the Turn Signal?

Generally, the turn signal is a lever (stick-thingy) on the left side of the steering wheel. It might do double duty as the windshield wiper or cruise control stick-thingy, but it's still a turn signal. If you can't find the turn signal, don't drive.